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January, 2008

Lilly Wins Best Wet T-Shirt Fight Scene

Today Now!’s own Tracy Gill attended the Strong Women in TV Awards, which proves women on TV can be attractive and sexy.

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Bully: Scholarship Edition Official Trailer

The critically acclaimed and fan favorite PlayStation®2 game, Bully, is making its debut on the WiiTM and Xbox 360® by popular demand on March 4, 2008 with B…

Representative To Rid Congress Of Gang Members

Live From Congress: According to Congressman Porter, gang members have infiltrated our neighborhoods, our schools, and even the Capitol. More coverage at: onion.com

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Female Scientists Say Domestic Abuse Not Problem

According to a team of female researchers who all recently sustained injuries due to various accidents, domestic abuse does not exist. More coverage at: onion.com

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Cheadle Planned Darfur Genocide To Create Role

UN officials confirmed that Hotel Rwanda star Don Cheadle funded the genocide in Darfur for the purpose of starring in a film about the tragedy. More coverage at: onion.com

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Traveler Entrances Town With Vision Of Future

In Hastings, NY, an enigmatic man appeared suddenly, beckoning people to join his quest for a world free of despair as he shook hands and kissed newborns. More coverage at:www.onion.com

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Concentric Circles Emanating From Glowing Red Dot

Experts are still trying to determine the effect of the concentric circles on the long squiggly green objects located in the blue area. More coverage: onion.com

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More Candidates Court Fat Vote

Presidential candidates are reaching out to fat voters on the campaign trail by eating large amounts of food. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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Live From Congress-The Skull Fucking Bill Of 2007

US Rep. Benjamin Sinclair (R-OH) has a plan to reduce skull fucking levels in America by 5 to 7 percent. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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Is The Government Spying On Schizophrenics Enough?

In The Know: Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation’s paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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Response To Opinions Of Our Uninformed Viewers

Viewer Voices: The Onion News Network’s Brandon Armstrong responds to viewers’ emails, texts, and chats–no matter how inane. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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Tell-All Book Reveals Wrestling Fans Are Fake

A professional wrestling “fan” has written a shocking new book that claims wrestling fans are actually paid actors. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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World’s Oldest Neurosurgeon Turns 100

Nothing can stop Carl Wainwright from doing what he loves best — performing surgery on the human brain. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again

Modesto, CA residents turned out for the city’s annual Ninja Parade, where no ninjas were seen for the 30th year in a row. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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Situation In Nigeria Seems Pretty Complex

In The Know: Panelists discuss the complicated issues facing Nigeria or Niger. More coverage at: www.onion.com

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